"Egotistical Sin-inidus"

Okay, I am sharing my journal entry with you guys today!

God, yesterday it really hit me that I have an egotistical sin problem. I think my sin is worse then anyone else which is not the problem. The problem is that I hate it so much that I think it's something I could have avoided or something I could changed. But, I, myself, can't do anything. I am degrading what you did on the cross for me. I am saying, "Yes, Jesus I believe you paid it all... BUT are you sure about this? That's really horrifying." With this type on mentality, I am not free from my sin. It still holds me captive, as I replay it in my head, thinking about it, comparing it to others.... and then I forget so easily that You came to save me from this very misery. All this is, is a huge pride issue. I have a hard time forgiving myself because I think I should have performed better. Why? How can a dead person perform good? My pride is irrational. We are all evil, Jesus rescues us and loves us anyway, but evil we remain. Why did/ do I think I am different? (pride) Why do I think Jesus' blood covers everyone else so easily but me? (pride) Jesus, please forgive me of my egotistical sin-inidus. My sin was/ is great but even in it's climax, it still does not even compare to Your measure of greatness, Your measure of holiness and power, Your measure of love and grace. God, can You help me to grasp this? Can You allow this reality to seep from my head to my heart? God, would You heal me from the prideful way I view my sin? Lord, I need a divine help to accomplish this. Thank you Jesus for not just paying my debt, but healing the damage that was caused by that sin. Thank You, Jesus, for setting me free to be defined by You, not me. Praise God!